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Post by greendemon on Apr 11, 2004 11:07:39 GMT 1
some of those quotes are ace ;D ;D
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 11, 2004 11:12:28 GMT 1
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a football game between heaven and earth.
God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..."
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frag
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I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
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Post by frag on Apr 12, 2004 14:05:23 GMT 1
Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan, the devil, proposed a football game between heaven and earth. God, always fair, told the devil, 'The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don't you know all the "good" players go to heaven?" The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs'..." ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Robin on Apr 16, 2004 15:03:50 GMT 1
This one dates back the the Rugby World Cup so you may have seen it before, quite funny anyway!! ;D
Barry John, David Campese and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in.
Addressing Barry John first he asks, "what do you believe?"
Barry John looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe rugby to be the food of life in Wales. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the Valleys and Vales. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces of the Cardiff Arms Park supporting their country."
God looks up and offers Barry John the seat to his left. He then turns to David Campese , "and you, David , what do you believe?"
Campo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour, passion and flair are the fundamentals of life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these values."
God, moved by the passion of the speech, offers Campese the seat to his right.
Finally, he turns to Jonny Wilkinson , "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?"
"I believe" says Jonny "you're sitting in my seat."
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Post by Melian on Apr 16, 2004 15:12:34 GMT 1
This one dates back the the Rugby World Cup so you may have seen it before, quite funny anyway!! ;D Barry John, David Campese and Jonny Wilkinson are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in. Addressing Barry John first he asks, "what do you believe?" Barry John looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe rugby to be the food of life in Wales. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the Valleys and Vales. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces of the Cardiff Arms Park supporting their country." God looks up and offers Barry John the seat to his left. He then turns to David Campese , "and you, David , what do you believe?" Campo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour, passion and flair are the fundamentals of life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these values." God, moved by the passion of the speech, offers Campese the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Jonny Wilkinson , "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?" "I believe" says Jonny "you're sitting in my seat." ;D ;D ;D
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frag
Member
*Paranoid Android*
I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
Posts: 25,105
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Post by frag on Apr 16, 2004 16:48:50 GMT 1
This one dates back the the Rugby World Cup so you may have seen it before, quite funny anyway!! ;D Finally, he turns to Jonny Wilkinson , "and you, Jonny, what do you believe?" "I believe" says Jonny "you're sitting in my seat." ;D ;D hehe... saw that one coming
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 17, 2004 12:37:28 GMT 1
Here's some jokes for Sofie:
Gerard Houllier: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player" Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?" Gerard Houllier: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"
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Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League? A: They keep scoring just Owen goals
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Q: What do you get if you cross a Liverpol fan with a pig? A: Thick bacon...
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 17, 2004 12:44:42 GMT 1
& few others to our dear Frag:
The Gunners are on the plane on the way to Holland. Henry turns to Pires and says "Hey Robert! See if this plane turns upside-doon will we fall out?" "No way Thiery," says Pires "of course we'll still be pals!!"
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Q: You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the Arsenal Fan. Twice.
---------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea? A: The tea stays in the cup longer!
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 17, 2004 13:07:31 GMT 1
Misc jokes:
Q: What did Lee Bowyer say when he took a girl out for the night? A: Fancy an Indian?
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Elland Road Boss Peter Risdale has sacked David Leary and employed a new Chinese manager. His name: Win One Soon
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Q: What is black and white, black and white and black and white ? A: A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill
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Q: Why do they call Bobby Robson hitler? A: Because he cant win in europe either.
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Q: What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common? A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason. ---------------------------
Q: What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score? A: Fantastic. Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan." So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
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Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain cell? A: Gifted.
& more still to come
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 17, 2004 13:55:00 GMT 1
Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator? A: A Man U fan is a real dick
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11. A little boy took his parents to court because he did not want to live with them anymore. The honored judge said to him "So why don't you want to live with your dad?" "Because he beats me" said the little boy. "Why don't you want to live with your mum then?" asked the judge. Because she beats me aswell. "Oh" said the judge "Well who would you like to live with then?" The little boy replied" I would like to live with Watford FC, because they don't beat anyone!!"
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Alex Fergusson walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to Phil Neville and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and Fergusson looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
Phil thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players of Man Utd began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
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Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...
He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total sh**e on Saturday."
The British Government said, "That could have been recorded months ago."
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Shania
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Post by Shania on Apr 17, 2004 14:09:41 GMT 1
On a rare day off, Gerard Houllier was cleaning out his cellar when he came across an old vase. Thinking it was valuable he rubbed it to clean off the dust. To his surprise out popped a Genie who said, "Oh master, I grant you one wish."
Rather surprised, Houllier thought for a while before replying, "Hhmmm… I know! Since I like going to France to find young players I would like you to build a bridge from Liverpool to France since I don’t like flying and the trains are unreliable - this way I could drive."
"Oh no master," responded the Genie, "that is an impossible request, it would take the will of a thousand genies to grant you that wish - you must choose a task I can grant you."
Houllier mumbled under his breath for a bit before saying, "I have a player in my team who should score more goals, can you make Heskey into a 20 goals a season player?"
To which the Genie replied, "OK, what colour lights do you want on your bridge."
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An Arsenal fan, a Scouser and a Chinese man are in the hospital maternity ward. The docters goes out to the fathers and he tells them that there has been a mix up with the babies.
He says, "each of you go in and choose a baby that you think is yours, then come out and then we will review the situation."
The Arsenal fan goes in first and comes out with a baby. The docter immediately spots a fault.
He approaches the Arsenal fan and says, "come on lad, you know thats the chinese baby" to which the Gooner replies "I know, but there is a Scouse baby in there and I ain't taking no chances!"
--------------------------------- Bohemian Risdale Another rendition of the classic Queen song. This time the words have been be modified to reflect the mind of Leeds United chairman Peter Risdale, whom I am sure will find a buyer for this!
El Tel, just sold a man Put a price tag on his head Accepted an offer, now he's fled El Tel, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away El Tel, ooo Didn't mean to let them buy If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on, the whole team's now in tatters
Too late, 'Risdale Out' signs have come Try to sell the teams main spine Fans are booing all the time Goodbye everybody - I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind to face the sh*t Mama, ooo The fans want me to die They sometimes wish I wasn't on the board at all (guitar solo)
(Opera Section) I see a little French-tw*t of a man Hey Dacourt, Hey Dacourt will you just f**k-off and go Woodgate and Lee Bowyer - very very frightening me Where is Rio?, Where is Rio?, Where is Rio?, Where is Rio?, Where is Rio? Oh I let him go - Cos I'm a thicko
I'm just a rich boy, nobody loves me He's just a rich boy from a thick family Spare him his place from this sh*t PLC Easy come easy go - why did I let Woodgate go? El Tel said no! We will not let him go - let him go El Tel said no! We will not let him go - let him go El Tel said no! We will not let him go - let him go Will not let him go - let him go Never let him go - let him go El Tel I let him go No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Oh Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka he's so slow Beelzebub couldn't f**k up a side worse than me than me than me (Guitar riff)
So I promised you Fowler was the last guy So I sold Woodgate to make that a lie Oh Bakke - will we ever get rid of Bakke? Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah Nothing really matters Anyone can see Nothing really matters - nothing really matters to me
My pocket's where the cash goes...
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Post by Robin on Apr 17, 2004 16:16:08 GMT 1
I love some of these, especially the Leeds/Bohemian Rhapsody song! Fantastic!
;D ;D
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Post by greendemon on Apr 18, 2004 13:50:20 GMT 1
;D ;D ;D
FABULOUS!
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frag
Member
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I have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
Posts: 25,105
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Post by frag on Apr 18, 2004 13:55:08 GMT 1
The Liverpool/genie one's good too... ;D ;D
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