vastar iner
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 24, 2023 8:59:38 GMT 1
30/3. Courtney Love's Hole do a stoned intro. Oh God, it's PJ & Duncan presenting. The modern day Little & Little. At least they're not singing. Strike, with something indistinguishable from so much other Italo sh*te in the charts. Why would anyone buy this in particular? It's like going into a pub and asking for water.
Brownstone, who look like fetishists on Play School. The by-now uber-cliché vocal opening before it rolls into uber-cliché swing. Could do with a) a verse that sounds like a tune and b) a chorus that sticks in the mind longer than a Planck time.
Wifebeater. Hm, they play this but not Glitter? It's so appalling the record company can't even be arsed to do a new video for it. This should therefore not be on, even without Brown's abuse of Houston. If they can't be bothered, why should TOTP? And why is this on straight after something which sounds the same? I note btw the chart graphics now have little arrows. Can't recall when that started.
Menswe@r. The classic example of bandwagon jumping. Signed to a major when they only had six songs because a) Britpop was taking off and b) they're from London. This isn't bad, an Elastica offcut perhaps, but there are so many way better bands doing this outside the Home Counties.
Prince, see above.
Springsteen with a live cut in what looks like a bigger Cavern. Suits his style. It's Springsteen. Deal with it.
Snap. They've got rid of Turbo B permanently, it seems, maybe he found an all-you-can-eat-buffet. It's a bit more loopy and ambient than hitherto but it is lyrically inane.
Hole. God, Love cannot sing for toffee. This is Daisy Chainsaw played at 33. Am not seeing the hype. Also am thinking Cobain could do better. Kathleen from Bikini Kill, perhaps.
Skating past the no. 1, the playout is Sailor, with the wrong hit. One of Sailor co-wrote "Karma Chameleon".
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vastar iner
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 22, 2023 22:50:51 GMT 1
23/3. Simple Minds who look like dinosaurs. In this day and age a 15 year running band would be just getting going. And, as if in a deliberate choice to drive the audience as far away from the show as possible, we start with Sean Maguire, whose miming is about as convincing as a Formula 1 steward. How do I sum this up in one word? Unforgivable.
Tin Tin Out, featuring Espiritu. I see what SherriffFatman says about Outhere Brothers and I have some sympathy, but perhaps I could suggest Tin Tin Out? Their normal modus operandi seems to be taking an original song and doing nothing to it other than claim royalties. This alleged song is literally taking ONE LINE from the original and sticking an ultra-anonymous dance beat behind it. God, the audience is making me wish for the Taliban. How do I sum THIS up in one word? Evil.
Mayo throws shade on Rednex who have re-released "Cotton Eye Joe" for no evident reason and yet it's back in the charts. Is it wrong of me to suggest that everyone who bought this should be recycled so that we can re-use the potassium in their bodies to make a box of matches? They're evidently so sh*t-thick as not to be of any actual use in their actual lives, and we might save on propagating a dead-end set of DNA.
Duran Duran. Thank Christing f***. An actual proper band. OK, it's a cover version, but right now I'm at the equivalent stage of being willing to drink Diet Coke from a penis-shaped bottle, this opening trio of miasma being amongst the worst things that has ever happened.
Wet Wet Wet also with their last single. What the HELL is this with people not bothering with something new?
FINALLY. Something of a highlight. The BBC Nazis won't have Curve on, because they're good, and they'd rather have Belgian cretins, but they get Halliday on fronting up Leftfield. And they've turned the mikes off the audience, THANK GOD.
E17. Now this has gone decent-bad-good-bad. But at least this is four different genres. Not sure what I'd call this E17 thing, maybe Jeff Wayne for pre-teens? And at least they're showing a bit of moxie, rather than Barlow's effluent.
Simple Minds, who must be utterly cursing that they're on after Leftfield, as they come across as ambient bandwagoners.
No. 1 is Cherneh Christon. Not very funny.
Playout is the song for Europe shortlist. What do we have?
Deuce - crap Paul Harris - Cliff wannabe Londonbeat - funky Sox - she's got her knockers FFF - not the French Funk Federation but baggy Dear Jon - dafuq Simon Spiro - My Lovely Horse Love City Groove - an actual proper pop song
Actually the FFF and LCG ones were better than nearly everything on the show...
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vastar iner
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 20, 2023 0:10:54 GMT 1
This week in 1981 we've got an amazing top ten, other than The Tweets, and was scanning down the charts to see where the first song was that I didn't know well; and I had to go deep, way past The Exploited and The Fureys, and ended up on Donald Byrd.
Not my cup of tea but an exemplar of the phenomenal range of genres in that most amazing year.
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 8, 2023 19:51:22 GMT 1
16/3. NPG sans Prince. Is he going to turn up? Lenny Henry in Comic Relief mode introduces Alex Party for the 19th time. Seriously?
Human League. Stripped back to the fundamental basis (aka Phil and The Girls). I love this one. Better than "Tell Me Win". It's rather sweet and melancholic.
Comic Relief over the charts. Just noticed Mory Kante was back in again. Don't recall why.
Outhere Brothers. Um, who in the name of all that is holy is buying this? It's beyond inane, it's like someone has grabbed it from the plane of Pandemonium. It is unlistenable garbage. You HAVE to have been lobotomized to like this, surely. Hideous.
Terrorvision. I've already forgotten it.
Janet Jackson with "Chain Reaction". Prefer the original.
Freakpower. Oh God, this is terrible. This is one of the absolute worst episodes I can recall and this is against some very stiff competition lately. One good record.
OK, we finally get the NPG. With Prince (I think) wearing a full facemask. Well, this does lift the programme back up because this is a brilliant performance suffused in funk and excitement. Even the close to monochrome lighting makes it work. I can see why they kept it to near the end, you wouldn't be encouraged to wait for the Outhere Brothers.
Boring no. 1 and the playout is "Planet Earth". Think I may first have heard that on Cheggers Plays Pop.
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vastar iner
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 7, 2023 23:12:58 GMT 1
9/3. Wet x3 with an exclusive. Oh God. Boo Radleys to start. What has happened to them? They used to be so brilliant but this is...gash. Lowest common denominator garbage thrown at the Great Unwashed. Horrible.
Clock. It's basically "Axel F", which was crap to start with, sped up with some infantile rap. Is this going to be one of THOSE episodes?
Bucketheads over the charts. More unimaginative sampling. This is basically Jive f***ing Bunny.
Jesus Christ. Radiohead are ACTUALLY THE HIGHLIGHT. Coldplay lite at the moment but at least there is a tune in there somewhere.
Faith No More, which was on last week, so this is cheating.
Stevie Wonder. Now, last time he was an exclusive, didn't he miss the charts entirely? So...isn't that indication that he should not be on this show? This time he's sounding like Big Mountain.
Des'rée. Bland and inoffensive, and it sounds amazing on this sewage treatment centre of an episode.
Wet Wet Wet's exclusive is as bad as feared. The closing is Tubeway Army, and frankly everyone on this alleged episode should be embarrassed at seeing this, from a sesquidecade before, and noting that it is more adventurous, daring, futuristic, magnificent, impressive, influential, and challenging than anything any of them have ever come up with. (Except Wonder before the 1980s, of course.)
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 6, 2023 14:18:23 GMT 1
2/3. Presented by Keith Allen, who seems to be undergoing a nervous breakdown in front of our eyes. MN8, utter rubbish. With the amount of red they are wearing I am praying for a herd of bulls.
Mike Plus The Mechanics. Radio 2 pap. But that Paul Carrack has had a bit of success is at least something. Not sure why he needs a bandage around his bonce.
Nightcrawlers. Oh, it's THAT one. Vocoder and blando dando repetitious soulless space-filling.
Alexander Partyxander. Second dancer on the right as it starts, is that Rosamund Pike?
Comic Relief song, which is...erm...not very comic. It has class, let's at least give it that, even if it's very Ewan McGregor For Water Aid.
Jesus, can't someone either shoot Keith Allen or get him in a straitjacket? It's almost cruel letting him present in this manner. Elton John with a repeat. This is a very repeaty programme.
Scarlet. Again. I love a Louise Brooks bob though. She was HOTTTTTTT. It even looks good on the fat one in US Ghosts. The audience knows this song now btw, it soars along with the chorus.
An exclusive from Faith No More. It's not quite my tasse de thé but a) it's way better than their anaemic cover versions and b) this is the sort of exclusive Ver Pops needs. Only I would have had them play 100% live. It certainly gives the prog a kick-up of excitement.
FF the no. 1 and the playout is Fulham, er, Free. God almighty, if I had seen the rushes of that show, I think I would have canned it. And then fired the studio manager for letting Allen do that. The presenter should not be the star. And f*** me Allen was about as entertaining as Putin.
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vastar iner
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 3, 2023 7:55:41 GMT 1
I also wonder how expensive it was - there was obvious re-use of sets but some of them must have been built up for what turned out to be about two minutes of footage.
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 3, 2023 0:02:38 GMT 1
60 years ago this week, Jet & Tony peak with their third, and last, hit. Alas for the duo Harris had hit the bottle and a car accident in September finished their career. Not that it was Harris' fault, he had a chauffeur; but the fact that he was in the car with Billie Davis rather than his wife put the Cliff fans off...
Incidentally, the alcoholism meant that Harris wasn't playing on this one - the bass guitar is a certain John Paul Jones.
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 1, 2023 17:03:55 GMT 1
23/2, Glam Metal Detectives (I LOVED THAT SHOW) as the bumper and Peter Cunnah eking out his 15 minutes of fame.
Can FF the start as it is the Imperfecto Nostars needlessly molesting pigs. And can FF through the second as it's the 1990s version of Cheese & Crackers rhyming seven with heaven because nobody has ever thought of that before. This is like the Play Away cast being asked to improvise something about transistors.
Bon Jovi with something that will doubtless make the rock chart even though it is 100% country. Elastica go on the again in consecutive weeks, which is unfair. Dan Abnormal on keyboard. He then pops up because Blur are on next with something that sounds more Elastica than Elastica, it's actually for once great fun and for once we have an act enjoying the experience (this is evidently the era in which TAFKATAFKAPrince was writing Slave on his cheek).
Exclusive is Madonna seemingly in a laboratory testing out fluid dynamics before it all goes Buddhist torture chamber. It's not very Madonna, it's FSOL or Death in Vegas even. It's actually surprisingly good. This would not be a hit had it not been Madonna. I mean that as a compliment.
A welcome back to the top 40 for one of Scotland's finest. Ooh, let me guess. Altered Images? Ultravox? SAHB? Shop Assistants? BMX Bandits? Orange Juice? Errrr...Del Amitri. OK, this is a definition of the word "finest" of which I had never heard. It's Del Amitri. What can I say about Del Amitri? You know what Del Amitri sound like, this sounds like Del Amitri. If you like Del Amitri, you will like this. If you don't, you won't. There is no progression in Del Amitri. Del Amitri must always sound like Del Amitri has always sounded. This is like sending a food critic to review tapwater. Or that time when Jezza reviewed the Vauxhall Vectra.
It's fascinating that they're followed by a fake band (note Doon McKichan from The Day Today, Phil Cornwell of Gilbert the Alien voice, and Sara Stockbridge from my innermost fantasies) that sound way more exciting. At least briefly, given that it is a television theme there was not much beyond the actual theme itself, they should have written out a full song.
The playout is a rather odd choice; The Stranglers with "Go Buddy Go". The song itself basically a fifties rock and roller with Burnel belting something out and the uplift from the keyboards. But this was basically a compromise b-side turned into an aa-side because the mainstream media objected to the mammarial nature of "Peaches", which was the commercial driver. Quite a bold choice from someone to pick that one out, bit like a secret track
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 1, 2023 9:03:13 GMT 1
16/2. Wait, what? Elastica giggle an intro with Donna looking as if a journo had said she was hot so cut her barnet off. Still would though. Goodier promises a "good" show, which is an interesting tempering of expectations, but being as we cut into Alex Party I doubt even Jack Dee could say "this is the best music programme evaahhhh!!!" without bursting into bitter and sardonic laughter. Not sure how best to sum this up on one word. Awful? Depressing? Reprehensible? Scarlet. See above. Bloody bloody love this. Gloria Estefan. The creative well for her ran dry after about two minutes of her first single. This is indeed a cover of the Love Affair classic, but "cover" in this instance is the same sort of context as the Mafia covering an informer with concrete. This is one of the worst things humanity has ever inflicted on humankind. It subtracts from the sum total of human achievement. It is the very definition of sociopathic evil. And TOTP is playing this. Producer Vastariner would not only have banned this from being played, but he would have summoned the label head to tell him in person that we will never play a single record by anyone on his label ever again as a penalty for deliberately trying to do to music what the Taleban does to it. Vanessa Mae, who is allegedly a great violinist, but this patheti attempt to turn classical music into something raveable is about as good as her skiing career. There are only two possible of this that should ever be on TOTP. One (by Sky) has already been on and the other is the theme for Once Upon A Time...Man.
"Keep watching for that Elton John video exclusive...now here's MN8". Is Goodier actively trying to drive the audience away? I'd rather watch the testcard.
The Elton video exclusive is for "Believe", which I don't recall, perhaps because it's basically "The One". Good video though.
Annie Lennox with another self-sabotaging performance. Why the eff is she dressed as Minnie Mouse at a conference?
"One great song after another." Well, one great song so far. We get another that is at least decent with Elastica. Annie looks ill.
After the anaemic no. 1, TOTP self-sabotages again by having The Supremes on the playout. It's basically telling the record-buying audience YOUR PARENTS HAD FAR MORE APPRECIATION OF MUSIC THAN YOU, YOU BRAIN-DEAD CRETINS.
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Post by vastar iner on Oct 1, 2023 8:32:03 GMT 1
00 Another Level ft Ghostface Killah - I Want You For Myself 08 Terrorvision - Tequilla 02 Corrs - Runaway 04 Blur - Tender 00 Steps - Better Best Forgotten 00 Cartoons - Witch Doctor 03 Phats & Small - Turn Around 05 Eminem - My Name Is 05 Fatboy Slim - Right Here Right Now 04 Offspring - Why Don't You Get A Job? 04 Geri Halliwell - Look At Me 03 Wiseguys - Ooh La La 05Madonna - Beautiful Stranger 01 Whitney Houston - My Love Is Your Love 00 Will Smith ft Dru Hill - Wild Wild West 00 Steps - Love's Got A Hold On My Heart 00 Alice DeeJay - Better Off Alone 00 Five - If Ya Gettin' Down 09 Shaft - (Mucho Mambo) Sway 05 DJ Jean - The Launch 00 S Club 7 - S Club Party 02 Ann Lee - 2 Times 00 R Kelly - If I Could Turn Back The Hands Of Time 00 Tin Tin Out ft Emma Bunton - What I Am 00 Will Smith - Will 2K 00 Artful Dodger ft Craig David - Re-Rewind The Crowd Say Bo Selecta
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 30, 2023 20:41:02 GMT 1
Desmond. Luther Van Dross. Oh God, we're going to have some yuppie crap. SexKylie introduces M People. You know, I'd rather listen to Kylie. At least Heather is singing live, but evidently her knitter ran out of wool before finishing her cardy.
MN8. Oh Jesus, there are now Ultimate Kaos tribute bands? And why are they wearing Star Trek quilts? This is beneath contempt. Eff off from my pooter.
Kamoze with the charts, he can eff off too.
Scarlet. "It's nuthing laak to uzz..." It's a typical overwrought build-up MOR ballad that Celine would kill for. The sort of thing that should never leave the Radio 2 midnight playlist. And I f***ing LOVE IT. This is amazing. Everything about it is so wrong but somehow put together it is so so so so so so right. It swoops, it soars, it challenges the status quo from the deepest darkest parts of Ul, it is utterly breathtaking. Audience seems stunned into silence, thank Buddah. Alas it is cut somewhat short because we need to see f***ing Vandross with a f***ing Heatwave cover. He can f*** RIGHT OFF.
That Kelis barnet suits Kylie, frankly. REM looking like they've been dressed by a hurricane going through a Marie Stopes charity shop. There is a bear for some unknown reason with TOTP on its arse. And a couple of hotties. The song? Way darker than recently, more Darkly Evil People. I like it a lot. Two great things on one programme? Been a while.
Perfecto Allstars f***ing up Pigbag. JUST RELEASE PIGBAG YOU WANKSTAINS
Can FF through the no. 1. Ooh, Go-Go's next week. Closing out with Annie Lennox, who gets more of a focus than the no. 1. Which is quite right. This performance though is stupid. Shame, it's a poignant song ruined by absurdist theatre. It does not work with this sort of song. Would work better with Green Jelly.
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 30, 2023 12:30:48 GMT 1
26/1, introduced by Eternal (Kellé, call me) after the Wildhearts do their Jimmy the Geordie thing. We start with The Real McCoy, who are miming, KEEPING IT REAL. God, this is awful. What is there about this load of Eurowank that people think is worth buying as opposed to the rest of the Eurowank? I could churn this sh*t out in one toilet break. And the audience appears to have a cumulative IQ of seven.
We segué into Deuce, but you would be forgiven in thinking this is the exact same record, and, basically, the entire audience who is not interested in dance has turned off. Appalling programming. I get the impression that this is a test for the blonde to see if she can cut it as the Morrissey of the group before pinging her out to a solo career. She's failing, her vocal qualities are not dissimilar to a foghorn.
Simple Minds over the chart. They couldn't be bothered to record a new single so they just basically did a mashup of their previous ones.
Oh Buddah, MORE dance.
So skip straight through to Let Loose. With "One One Stand", apparently. Jesus, Eternal, ONE JOB. This is NOT boyband fare despite the congenital morons screaming their pathetic lungs out. This is actual proper music, I definitely and defiantly like this. SHUT UP AUDIENCE AND f***ing GROW UP. It not only builds up to the chorus but it also builds separately throughout the song.
Green Day, which is punk in the same way as a fright wig from a fancy dress shop. Can't stand this sort of music, just pale imitation, but this is a superior example of it, it gets almost towards Therapy? on a bad day. This though should have been up at the top between the dance records.
The Wildhearts. Am guessing that this is basically meant to be a celebration of Newcastle winning the title in a few months' time. One of them is dressed as Kiss/Zal Cleminson (SAHB)/Monkey (the Adicts) so very original. Nevertheless it's pretty good, albeit the rough edges knocked well off.
"This song was a big hit in 1983" followed by "Nicki French's new song". Eternal, are you LISTENING TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? Anyhoo, this is outrightly repugnant. If you want to release the song again, RELEASE THE ORIGINAL RATHER THAN CURLING OUT A GODAWFUL COMPUTER DRUM OVER THE TOP. Anyone who buys this should be locked in a cell and forced to listen to Bonnie Tyler for a week FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. Who the ACTUAL HELL is BUYING this? Who could think "you know, this is a great song, and I'm not going to look out the original because obviously operatic music is something to which one has to rave"? And the backing singers can eff off too, they're not fooling anyone.
Rednex are still no. 1, and the playout is...ugh...The Osmonds. But...at least it's "Crazy Horses", the second-best Osmonds track.
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 30, 2023 9:59:47 GMT 1
OK, these are back. 19/1, the Walrus of Love introduces in the subsonic. Bruno Brookes, ultimate music, ultimate kaos. Someone is having a laugh with the chyron by putting "average age 14" next to "Hoochie Booty". So, in essence, what they are going on about is massively illegal. And they censor Glitter. This is basically EYC. This aping of Septic sh*te is not merely appalling, it is immoral. The sort of person who plays this is the sort of person who would happily have signed up to broadcast under Goebbels.
Fires and EBTG. This is dreary. Sorry, Trace, you're capable of so much better, and leopardskin print is trash to the max.
Ini Kamoze over the charts. We've gone from immoral through dreary to irritating. A burr in your shoe. Positively painful to endure for more than a couple of seconds.
Sleeper making their debut so to celebrate we have Brookes blathering about some nonsense over the guitar opening. This is great fun though. And yes, I fancy Louise. But it's the sort of singalongachorus that Blur would write for Elastica. Hints of sixties in the production and is the drummer also in the Lightning Seeds? Also has anyone noticed how much Louise blinks?
Human League. Funny drum. Heard on a podcast that if you talk to Phil Oakey, it's almost literally all about music, he is extremely muso.
Barry White. Can't be bothered with going back 15 years. Celine Dion, newly wed apparently. Jennifer Rush rediviva.
Top 10. Had forgotten Rednex were still NOBODY IS BUYING RECORDS AFTER CHRISTMAS number 1.
Brookes runs out of time to yell changesontheshownextweek because we have Sweet on the playout because a) the BBC would rather promote its own programmes than music and b) THIS IS BY A LONG WAY THE BEST THING ON THE SHOW. Only Sleeper get close, really.
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 29, 2023 18:51:46 GMT 1
Elvis' smallest hit single during his lifetime - a song from the 1967 film Double Trouble. A Mark Lamarr single, in that it is very much a fifties throwback, even to its minuscule running time. It's basically "All Shook Up" with different lyrics.
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 14, 2023 20:31:59 GMT 1
The song is a Paul Ryan original, but do you recognize Jefferson? What if I said he had charted with a group when billed as Geoff Turton? This is, er, Geoff Turton, who had top tenned twice as the lead singer of Brumbeat group The Rockin' Berries.
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 14, 2023 0:16:35 GMT 1
I'm surprised someone hasn't gamed the system yet by turning one song into 10 different tracks...sort of like a reverse Jethro Tull.
(Note to self: form band called Llut Orhtej to do this)
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 13, 2023 21:31:22 GMT 1
The shortest track I have is this one:
But it's not really a song. Whereas this one is...
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Post by vastar iner on Sept 5, 2023 0:01:26 GMT 1
09 Meat Loaf - Dead Ringer For Love 08 Japan - Ghosts 08 Bananarama with Fun Boy Three - Really Saying Something 07 Tight Fit - Fantasy Island 06 Scotland World Cup Squad - We Have A Dream 10 Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf 01 Shalamar - A Night To Remember 07 Imagination - Music And Lights 08 Hot Chocolate - It Started With A Kiss 04 Kids From Fame - Hi-Fidelity 10 ABC - All Of My Heart 00 Shalamar - There It Is 06 Dexy's Midnight Runners - Jackie Wilson Said (I'm In Heaven When You Smile) 08 Clannad - Theme From Harry's Game 09 Madness - Our House
That's a great compilo right there. Just take a Shalamar out for the commercial release.
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Post by vastar iner on Aug 30, 2023 12:04:28 GMT 1
Art duo Komar & Melamid created a single based on opinion polls as to the most popular elements to a song. They came up with some sub-Disney Flack/Bryson shlock.
Of course, the real joy is when they did the exact opposite for the b-side...
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